“I think I may be manic depressive,” he said with tears streaming down his face.
“Um, huh?” I said with tears in my own eyes.
“I love you, I’m so lucky to have you in my life…you are wonderful,” he said looking at me with eyes full of sadness. “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me babe. Sometimes I’m very happy…sometimes I’m not sure and I can’t explain it right now. I don’t know if I ever can, but I do know that I take my time driving home from work…and it has nothing to do with me not loving you, and everything to do with what’s wrong inside of me and…”
“Wait, so you don’t want to be home? I’m not sure I understand and I can’t help you if I don’t understand what’s wrong with you…are you sure it has nothing to do with me?” I said. My hands steadily rubbing the sides of my shorts and the lunch I’d eaten earlier was rising slowly up my esophagus. I tried to stand up and move closer to my husband, but my knees were jell-o and would not let me move.
“Babe, I just know I feel so good sometimes and then I get overwhelmed with sadness…I go inside myself and don’t want to deal with anyone. I retire to the confines of my psychological tree…sometimes I stay there for days…I really think I need help…like to talk to some one but I cant, ” he said looking at me for understanding.
“Um, huh?” I said with tears in my own eyes.
“I love you, I’m so lucky to have you in my life…you are wonderful,” he said looking at me with eyes full of sadness. “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me babe. Sometimes I’m very happy…sometimes I’m not sure and I can’t explain it right now. I don’t know if I ever can, but I do know that I take my time driving home from work…and it has nothing to do with me not loving you, and everything to do with what’s wrong inside of me and…”
“Wait, so you don’t want to be home? I’m not sure I understand and I can’t help you if I don’t understand what’s wrong with you…are you sure it has nothing to do with me?” I said. My hands steadily rubbing the sides of my shorts and the lunch I’d eaten earlier was rising slowly up my esophagus. I tried to stand up and move closer to my husband, but my knees were jell-o and would not let me move.
“Babe, I just know I feel so good sometimes and then I get overwhelmed with sadness…I go inside myself and don’t want to deal with anyone. I retire to the confines of my psychological tree…sometimes I stay there for days…I really think I need help…like to talk to some one but I cant, ” he said looking at me for understanding.
“I see…well if you want help we can get you help through the military. They will pay for you to go to counseling….and if you need me there I can go, but if you need to do this on your own… I understand. I just want to love you through whatever is wrong,” I said looking at my husband with uncertainty.
“My love,” He said walking towards me. “ I can’t go through the military. They will think I’m crazy and will discharge me. There is a lot about the military you don’t know. I just don’t feel safe going through them, but I do need to talk to someone….I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Hell… I’m still trying to figure this out!”
“My love,” He said walking towards me. “ I can’t go through the military. They will think I’m crazy and will discharge me. There is a lot about the military you don’t know. I just don’t feel safe going through them, but I do need to talk to someone….I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Hell… I’m still trying to figure this out!”
To be continued ...
~~> Kisura Usiku <~~
Website: www.kisurausiku.com/
Twitter: twitter.com/syma94
7 comments:
okay so often we dont think of men as emotional creatures, we selfishly think its only our weight to carry and that they dont have feelings! this is great , i cant wait to read more. Very good imagery used and i felt her anxiety and desire to help, but a feeling of helplessness
I can't wait for part 2 ...
This was a great vivid piece and there's more to it from what I'm hearing. I need another dose !!
I think the safest thing for me to do is comment on the aftermath...as far as what I've learned in hindsight of living this story, Gnarles Barkley sums it up perfect with these words:
"And maybe it's a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder
Was it possible he was hurtin worse than ME
Still MY hunger turns to greed
Cause what about what I need...
And OH~! Who's gonna save my soul now? Who's gonna save my soul now?
Oh, I know I'm out of control now
tired enough to lay my own soul down"
I will end my comment with this...it was one of the most emotionally draining experiences EVER...but I know it was necessary for me to get to the point I feel I am now & where I never felt I could be before: FORGIVENESS
I think I wouldve arrived there much sooner had I considered that he was actually hurting through all of this too....but it is what it is....Im here NOW...PEACE
This piece makes me feel like I was a fly on the wall. I love how descriptive your writing is. Looking forward to reading the next part. :-)
logic & emotion ...2 clearly defined states ... neither so easy to navigate. Some thrive on logic and reason to a fault. They condemn, to hell, any utilization of emotion in decision making. The same is true in reverse. Balance is key. Living in the extremes of emotion leads to bipolar disorder ... and living in the extremes of reason and logic makes you numb to life and those close to you. Lot of people say that most people have some type of personality disorder... I think it all stems from imbalances in this area. My humble, LOGIC, filled reasoning. J-OUT!!!
"I just want to love you through whatever is wrong."
This touched my heart. Unconditional love.
Looking forward to reading more.
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